How to fall in love in two weeks: A rigorous, top secret romantic program now available to the public

Dating in the present day brings certain patterns of behavior that make it not so appealing.

Are we familiar with the act of ghosting? This is the practice of ending all communication and contact with another person without any apparent warning or justification and subsequently ignoring any attempts to reach out or communication made by said person. If the romantic partner doesn’t ghost, it can still be problematic with “breadcrumning”, where the romantic partner leads you on by dropping small morsels of interest — an occasional message, phone call, date plan, or social media interaction.

Adjacent to breadcrumbing is when you casually introduce a specific restaurant or location in hopes for a date there to someone and their response is sending you pictures of themselves in said place . That is bullying.

What can be worse than that? A previous romantic partner of mine once said “ The ultimate form of ghosting is to actually die.” He let me take credit for this thought and tweet it. He retweeted it, and then he actually did die. And that was the last thing he ever tweeted. That’s worse.

To avoid these dating pitfalls, I’ve developed a rigorous, top secret romantic program now available to the public!

Disclaimer: I’m not a doctor, so the following steps haven’t been scientifically proven, but I once argued in high school honors psychology class that lust triumphs over partnership in a successful relationship with a girl who is now happily married to her high school sweetheart and I eat cereal in my bed listening to sublime clicking through pictures of pie on yelp. What do they do? Have dinner with their toddlers? I think my advice speaks for itself.

Proceed with caution- don’t be scared to dance like no one’s watching, live like no one’s there, and love

STEP ONE: MY CONSULT

( As you already know, all these steps must be applied along with a spray tan)

Have me create your dating profile tag line and write your initial texts to ensure witty banter straight out of the gate. I’m a Master Ghostwriter for Dating Profile Tag lines and have developed such gems for myself and girlfriends as “Gristedes in the sheets, whole foods in the streets”

“Anything but #basic” (if you’re basic)

“ Looking for someone to match my flavor profile” (for the foodie)

and “Time Out Magazine’s Top Pick for a fun time”

STEP TWO: SEXT IT UP

Before sleeping with your potential lover on the first date, make them aware that you will, without question sleep with them on the first date. Carefully construct your sext messages. Put effort into your nudes. It’s the only way to really learn about your future life partner- see how they look and how much effort they put towards how hot they look in bed. You should create a special folder for your best looks on your phone- it shows your partner you are organized and pay attention to what they like. Also demonstrates that you’re good at maintaining your storage space on an iPhone.

STEP THREE: AVOID RED FLAGS.

It is v important in my experience to disregard red flags prior to consummation and then regret decisions after. Some frequent flags are:

-Uses your seamless account to deliver food to his apartment

-Has a tattoo that says “Humble” in the same font used on Sublime’s album cover

-Cannot fit entirely on your couch.

-REALLY likes Amy Schumer

-Listens to Avicii

-His dirty talk is saying he is inside of you when he is not.

-DJ / DJ adjacent

-It takes 8 minutes to fully scroll down his boards on Pintrest of “stylish mens clothing”

STEP FOUR: FIGHT

After numerous sex marathons, 11 urinary tract infections and spending $200 on Plan B, fight precisely on the first day of week 2, starting really irrational arguments. Fighting is essential. It really progresses the relationship forward. It brings out the worst in both partners and you see what you don’t like in yourself and why you can’t have healthy relationships. It propels you to cement your love because if this person escapes, there’s literally no hope for yourself romantically.

STEP FIVE: PUSSY RIGHTS

Establish pussy ownership. This avoids confusion. He might catch you off guard and ask, “who’s pussy is this?!?” This is easy to respond to on G-chat, but if asked during intercourse, the response isn’t always clear. Especially if you’re on a break for the fifth time, or haven’t established exclusivity. If said incorrectly, the relationship can be terminated immediately. To be clear, the answer is “YOURS”.

After two weeks, you will be full throttle in planning your upcoming wedding. Please be advised that the pre-wedding diet and workout plan I developed is 223 weeks. If you don’t follow this diet and exercise program exactly, there is literally no hope you will ever find romance.

Heather Ann Harrison is a southern bred comedian/actor/writer trained at the Annoyance theater NYC originally from Raleigh, North Carolina