Losing my virginity: An essay from 10 years ago

Today has been a truly historic day in my life. I have been in great pain in the past few days, suffering from a horrible case of constipation. I awoke this morning feeling lost, empty, alone, and constipated. I recently had curtains installed in my room. The beautiful zebra curtains have decreased the brightness in my room and increased my bout with depression. Dreading the day ahead, I lay in bed and weeped in fetal position listening to my Clay Aiken Christmas CD. His angelic voice turned my tears of sadness to drops of joy and hope. I decided at that very moment to be proactive and turn my life around, to live each day to the fullest without regrets. I decided for the first time in my twenty one years of living to try a tasty McDonald’s egg mcmuffin for breakfast. ***

The experience was new and a little scary. Ordering was easy. I was nervous about locating the breakfast sandwiches on the menu, but I luckily found their number on the large drive through menu within two to three minutes of pulling up. I placed my order to the nicely sounding gentleman. The next part was challenging. I handed the kind sir my card, but after he returned me the means of payment, I did not know what to do next. I sat there for a few minutes and he kindly instructed me to the next window. It was at this second window I was given my breakfast treat. I was overcome with excitement and curiousity and began to eat the mcmuffin right there in my car. Losing my virginity to this genius creation was painfree. I was scared it would hurt a little, but I didn’t bleed or get too many crumbs in my lap. After I consumed the gift from God, I felt saddened that my breakfast joy was gone. I told myself that I would be seeing more of this mouth orgasm soon, and promised myself one tomorrow morning. I can hardly keep my heart in my chest at the mere thought of my return to that gorgeous McDonald’s Cafe.
Update: I am no longer constipated.

Heather Ann Harrison is a southern bred comedian/actor/writer trained at the Annoyance theater NYC originally from Raleigh, North Carolina